Best. Poop story. EVER.

I am actually WEEPING WITH LAUGHTER.

(Thank you, Lorna, for... *ahem* passing this along.)

File under "more things I don't need but would love to have..."

More here.

Dear Unbelievably Rude Cashier:

I got my salad and stood in line... no problem. You opened your register and called "next customer in line, please." By the time I got to you, you had taken someone who was most certainly NOT the next customer, but I didn't say anything, I just waited patiently for you to finish. I still can't figure out why you felt it necessary to use such a nasty tone of voice with me when you informed me that you couldn't weigh my salad. I didn't say anything, though I was a little irritated that you felt the need to be rude. So it still just boggles my fucking mind that, as I was headed back to the end of the line (which was now about 15 people longer than when I had left the front of it), you felt it necessary to say, loudly, repeatedly and to every customer standing near you, that I was "rude" and "a bitch." And when I said "excuse me, YOU were being rude to ME," you felt it necessary to wave your fucking finger at me and keep yelling nasty things at me.

So, YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAG, it gives me great pleasure to inform you that I have sent off a nasty email to your employer's corporate office, advising them that they will no longer get my business, and telling them exactly why.

By the way, your manager was standing right there. He knows what happened.

I hope you not only lose your job, but I hope you step in dog shit on the way home, develop a raging yeast infection, and accidentally shrink your favorite jeans in the wash.

So I've got a full-blown case of The Crud, which I'm going to attribute directly to ridiculously long workdays, little to no quality sleep, and this awful fucking weather. Not to mention flinging myself around the city like a madwoman trying to get things accomplished in preparation for my parents' visit.

Seriously, it's BAD. I have been coughing so hard that I've actually strained my lower back.

I am not a happy girl right now.

Right now, I'm remembering how, as a kid, I would wake before dawn to poke around the living room, hoping to sneak a peek at the basket of goodies the Easter Bunny had surely left for me. I'd go back to bed, but not to sleep, waiting for the next few hours to pass quickly, for the clock to reach an hour when it was reasonable to wake my parents and tear into my swag.

Yes, I ate the ears first.

Sadly, it's not the promise of hidden goodies that has me awake at this ridiculous hour of the morning today... I've been up since shortly before 4, hacking and coughing, the tickle in my throat nearly unbearable, my sinuses draining. Mike and the cats are sound asleep, so I've moved into the back room so as not to disturb them, the sounds of our neighborhood roosters, steam and water banging softly in the pipes, and the occasional J train keeping me company. It's kinda peaceful.

Jen & Alex, you have NO IDEA what a smile this put on my face. Pillow fight? BRING IT!