He was still warm.
I placed my hand on his shoulder, and the fact that he was warm startled me. Though his face, which was turned away from me, was obviously lifeless, he was warm and I half expected him to murmur at me, rolling onto his back for scratches as if I had awakened him from a nap.
I touched his shoulder, stroking it, and I bent my face down to him, kissing his ears, soaking his soft fur with tears, and I told him over and over that I loved him, so very much, and that I was sorry.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
On Tuesday morning, after a car ride in which he complained a little but was mostly wonderful, an exam in which he complained a little but was mostly wonderful, I never expected that the last time I would see him alive was when they whisked him away in his carrier to get his blood drawn.
Even yesterday when we called to check in on him, and were told that his fever had broken, that he had eaten and was doing great, I fully expected that we would bring him home today and that everything was going to be fine. We spent most of the car ride back home being silly, reading the road signs and goofing on them trying to stay awake, looking forward to seeing our boy again. "Dubby wants to go to Orange." "Dubby wants to visit the Bruce Museum." "Dubby can't wait to meet his new bathtub."
This little dream cottage we are moving to - he's never going to see it. From the first time we stepped inside, Mike and I looked at each other, and we were both thinking the same thing: how excited Dub was going to be to have his very own stairs to run up and down and up and down oh boy oh boy Dubby loves the stairs! Oh, yes, he would approve.
But now he's just gone. He's not coming to the little dream cottage with us. He's not going to supervise our packing, and he's not going to serenade us in the car all the way there as we follow the movers. He's just gone and I can't get my head around the fact that I'm never going to hold him again, carrying him around the apartment like a baby, as I sing to him and he nuzzles me and Mike laughs at us both. He's never again going to hop onto the table to approve our wine choices, or mill around in the kitchen mewing at us as we prep and cook dinner.
We're not going to be able to watch him explore our new home, a home we had so looked forward to showing him, a home - with its windows and skylights and those stairs - we were convinced he would absolutely love.
When pain, stress, anxiety cripple me, I am never again going to be able to pick him up and just hold him, his purring so rhythmic and soothing, the smell of the top of his head the most wonderful, comforting thing. When we were in the room with him after the end, I spent all of my energy trying to inhale every bit of his scent into my memory, kissing the top of his head and the backs of his ears and neck like I did every morning when he jumped into my lap for some loving.
Even though the girls are still here, the apartment feels empty. My heart feels empty. Dubby went through too much in his too-brief lifetime, but for all of that, he was the happiest, most gregarious, charming and loving creature I have ever known. I have lost beloved pets before, but nothing has hurt this much.
Goodbye, my love. I'll never forget you.
posted by jenblossom
at 04:56 PM
Oh Jen. My heart aches for all of you so very much. He was such a wonderful creature, such a mensch in a fuzzy cat suit. I'm so sad for me that I won't ever have the pleasure of his company again and our thoughts and condolences are with you in your grief.
Posted
by: Lolo at April 3, 2008 08:31 PM
I'm typing this with tears streaming down my face. I don't know you, or Mike, or Dubby, but my heart is breaking. Tomorrow I move my two beautiful little boys into our new home, and I don't know what I'd do without them. I do the same things - kiss their little faces, smell them, and they do the same to me which is just too sweet. Friends without cats think I'm completely nuts. But I love my boys more than life itself, and I dread the day I'll have to say goodbye. I'll never, ever be able to cope with it.
I'm glad you had the love of such a beautiful creature even in his short time with you - there's no substitute for that. He sounds like he was an amazing little guy.
Posted
by: minxlj at April 3, 2008 09:58 PM
You have no idea who I am, but I follow you on twitter, for some reason. I live in Boston, USA.
Sorry. This sucks big time. Very sorry.
Posted
by: Quackking at April 3, 2008 10:00 PM
I am so, so sorry for your loss. And I hope that his memory is a blessing for quite some time. I send you both all my love, from very far away but very close as well. xo
Posted
by: Adrienne at April 3, 2008 10:50 PM
My heart is breaking for you Jen.
Posted
by: Christine at April 4, 2008 12:03 AM
Oh honey, hugs.
My heart goes out to you.
Posted
by: Susan at April 4, 2008 02:46 AM
Jen & Mike,
I am so sorry to hear the sad news. My deepest sympathies to both of you in this tumultuous time.
With love,
Amy
Posted
by: OldAuntAmy at April 4, 2008 08:16 AM
This is heartbreaking to read, and I'm deeply sorry for the lost of your furry guy.
Posted
by: editrix at April 4, 2008 08:40 AM
I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your little guy. I just started reading your blog and I've got huge tears streaming down my face. It's such a difficult thing to go through. They are definitely members of the family. My heart goes out to you.
Posted
by: Tracy at April 4, 2008 08:54 AM
Jen - I just can't believe it. I'm soooo sorry. I know your heart is just broken right now and I hate the thought of you in so much hurt. You are in my thoughts. Dub was so lucky to have you. xoxo Vic
Posted
by: Vic at April 4, 2008 09:03 AM
i literally just found your dinner blog last night ... so sorry to hear of your devastating loss and that you weren't able to say goodbye. that is my greatest fear. take comfort in knowing that dubby will still be with you when you move. i know for certain that somewhere there is a kitty heaven :)
Posted
by: mimi at April 4, 2008 10:10 AM
My heart goes out to you. I think your written tribute is wonderful. As a catlover and owner of 2 of the sweetest tabby boys in the world, I can't imagine how I will deal with either of their passings. My heart aches for you.
Posted
by: Frank at April 4, 2008 12:48 PM
made mecry
there are no owrds
i am so so so very sorry from the bottom of my heart...
Posted
by: claudia at April 4, 2008 12:55 PM
Jen!
I don't even know what to say except that my heart goes out to you. Dubs was the best and so are you.
*hugs*
Posted
by: Kaykat at April 4, 2008 01:11 PM
Oh, Jen. My thoughts are with you and Mike.
Posted
by: Patty at April 4, 2008 01:56 PM
Jen and Mike,
Jeff and I are so sorry for your loss. Dub couldn't have had better parents. We truly understand how our pets are actually our little babies and how they bring so much joy to our lives.
Posted
by: Quinchela at April 4, 2008 03:59 PM
Oh wow. This is heartbreaking. I cried, just the thought of losing my pets makes me shudder and my eyes water.
I'm so very sorry for you loss. He obviously had a very wonderful life and was VERY loved.
I hope you two adjust. Best wishes.
Posted
by: Toni at April 4, 2008 08:54 PM
oh wow!! i can't picture me not seeing my baby dog again so i don't know how u feel but i know dat it hurts sooo much n you could get through this jen!! just the thought of me losing my baby makes me want 2 cry.i wish u da best wishes ever!!!n never 4get him jen!!!
Posted
by: jennifer at April 4, 2008 09:16 PM
I remember you were the first person I called after Furio passed. I wish I could be there for you, Jen.
Our hearts and thoughts are with you, Mike and the kitties.
Posted
by: Andi at April 5, 2008 10:08 AM
jennifer, I am so, so sorry. words can't express. my heart aches for you.
Posted
by: melissa at April 5, 2008 04:52 PM
I knew Dub had suffered a lot, but I don't think I realized how too short of a life he'd had until now.
My heart is breaking for the both of you, I'm so sorry.
Posted
by: Liz at April 6, 2008 01:36 PM
Jen, this was such a beautiful tribute to a wonderful life. You were lucky to have each other, even if it was just for a while. Feeling for you, and feeling with you.
Posted
by: Emily at April 7, 2008 12:49 PM
With the pitter patter of his paws at your ears,
and the scent of his being remains,
know that Dub's spirit will follow you wherever your lives lead you.
Its not without great sorrow of his parting he leaves, like all great beings. But remember wonderful Dub will always remain by your side in spirit as he has left you behind his strength, courage and above all his love that has completed your family.
With deepest sympathy,
Posted
by: Sheri at April 8, 2008 12:01 PM
Oh, God.
I write this with my three kids (cause they are our sons, never forget that) perched atop the sofa, right over me head, purring and staring and planning future havoc. So you can imagine how sorry I am.
But don't worry, you must remember what's important is the love you gave them and they gave you. He was happy and had a good life.
And now you know what to do. There's always a stray looking for a home and love. :)
My deepest sympathies for you and Mike.
Posted
by: Marcos Castrillon at April 8, 2008 03:32 PM
